date: null
subject: to start
i lost all of my old content i had here
this section of my site was a diary
over thirty logs are gone
fuck this stupid diary lolz im turning it into a blog shitpost or whatever
date: sun 19 jun 22, 10:39am
subject: a rant, i guess
lol my site is so bedazzled its so cute. its pretty simple but i like it. i feel superior to other silly girlbloggers because they have their silly pinterests and silly instergrams (which i too have) but im so cool because i have a neocities site. like. i actually have to put effort into this shit. lol! i have to actually learn fucking scrioting html shit which its not hard hard but its not EASY either. its fun though, makes me feel smart and superior and cool. dont think i have a big ego tho cuz i dont. i still hate myself. its just fun. right now im listening to disco 2000 by pulp. its really good and kind of different from other stuff i listen to. LETS ALL MEET UP IN THE YEAR 2000, WONT IT BE STRANGE WHEN WERE ALL FULLY GROWWWNNNNWNWNNNNNNNN>!!!!! i found it from one of my mutuals which is cool. it is also fathers day so i gotta go to my dads soon but thats alr ig, i dont have the energy to care. i graduate tomorrow. its gonna be a half day. gonna be weird. im just glad i can finally leave this shithole of a school!
date: fri 22 jul 22, 8:40pm
subject: beach day
i went to the beach today. i saw crabs. i love crabs. i love animals. i love the beach. a chunky crab pinched my finger though. i didnt bleed. these crabs are called asian shore crabs and sadly they are an invasive species that came to here from cargo ships.
i had fun. i bought myself cherry ice cream. i love cherries. they are my favorite. i like the ones with the pits because its natural and unmodified in its unstripped form.
what did i eat today?
today, in order, i ate/drank coffee, a strawberry donut, a sandwich with cranberry walnut and chicken on it, watermelon, and one of those skinny kindergarten party size slices of pizza. i also drank lemon water throughout the day. i have always been dehydrated but my grandma bought me a super good water bottle that keeps the water cold all day which makes me want to drink it. in the past 3 days ive been drinking more, my skin has cleared up sooooo much and any acne discoloration i had is nearly completely gone now. its pretty wild because its an issue ive had a lot in the past. i also notice ive been less bloated and lost a bit of weight, probably around 3-4 lbs. typically this would be worrying but im 100% recovered !! i used to not want to recover because it was embarrassing but it feels better. i feel better. i dont have to worry anymore. im happy with my body, for the most part (my legs are a tad bit short(thats okay though)). sometimes i wanna restrict again but i wont let myself. it took 2 years but im finally better. im not sick anymore
date: fri 22 jul 22, 9:32pm
subject: my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop
my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop. my heart is in my throat and i cant make it stop
date: sat 23 jul 22, 10:59pm
subject: angels of porn
my bedroom smells like rotten food
and i guess so do i
it’s harder to be good in here
than it is to starve and die
i’d give my body to satan
if i could only keep my soul
but i can’t seem to find the split
between them anymore
my hair is falling out again
and i don’t really care
i try to stir my conscience
it was never really there
your fingers up inside of me
feel like fingers down my throat
everything is fine in heaven
but i’ll never get to know
make sacrifice in bathtubs
and stained bed covers
soak all of my clothes in holy water
and drown them like a crying son
drown them like a crying daughter
praying in the night to the angels of porn
nails in their wrists, knees on the floor
great lakes full of cum extracted from everyone
nicole dollanganger, angels of porn
date: sat 23 jul 22, 11:28pm
subject: once again
once again
i rot
here i am
body dripping with guilt
wash away my sins in holy water
scrub me clean like the words you muster
here i am
body dripping with guilt
sores claw at points of pressure
scrub me clean like the words you muster
bitter wine runs down my throat
sores claw at points of pressure
wash away my sins in holy water
bitter wine runs down my throat
once again
i rot
date: sun 24 jul 22, 12:17am
subject: things i want to tell you
im so tired
but i cant sleep
im thinking a lot
about what happened
i wish you wouldve put me in a group chat
theres a lot i wanna say
but most of all i wanna laugh
it worked so well lol
im actually proud
never in my life has something gone so smoothly
she fell for it so hard
i have it all saved too
her baby photos
photos of her sister and mother
as a matter of fact i know one day shes gonna find my site
and read this shit
and think shes found some ultra rare secret entry
but no
i know she is
and im saying this on purpose because i know her
and i know the things she does
its funny
she cant outsmart me
i wanna tell her she fell for it
i wanna let her know that shes a retard and did exactly what i wanted
i dont think ill forgive her though
she took away a year and a half of my life that ill never get back
i miss old times because she wasnt there
but really shes been here just as long as i was
and i resent both her and you too sometimes for that
but shes gone now right?
i dont think she'll ever be gone actually
whenever i think someones gone from my life they just come back
prayers of death dont keep people away anymore
i used to think if i was friends with jesus he'd let my death wishes come true but i dont think thats how it works anymore
whatever
shes lucky im not doing anything more
because i have more than she knows
all it takes is loss of self control and i'll have her address
she needs to fuck off and calm her inflated ego
goodnight
date: sun 24 jul 22, 12:30am
subject: hold on
hold on to me
even if i cry
hold on to me
even if i complain
hold on to me
even if i resent
hold on to me
even if i hurt
hold on to me
even when i exhaust you
date: sun 24 jul 22, 12:34am
subject: im tired
fucking tired and i need a hug from him
date: sun 24 jul 22, 6:45pm
subject: unsent
oh
kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me
i fucking wish you never said anything. i wish i never said anything. im stupid. im so stupid. i want to be the only girl. i wasnt straight. i was only attracted to YOU. and thats how it should be for everyone. i fucking hate being alive. god damn it. i could hang myself right now. fuck porn. fuck sex. fuck nudes. fuck all these stupid things. all i want is a fucking hug. i hate sex. i hate it. it ruins everything. fuck children. fuck living. one day im gonna buy a gun and everyone is gonna pay for what theyve done to me. i was a mistake on purpose. someone planned this and they know what they were doing. i dont want siblings. i dont want parents. i dont want friends. i dont want family. i dont want school. i dont want a job. i dont want money. i want a gun. i want death. i want to fucking die. cant do it though. i wish i did it before i mattered. my paranoia is fucking killing me. welp! mommy cant pay for therapy anymore. time to solve my issues the old fashioned way with a piece of rope. back in my day we didnt have therapy, we jsut killed ourselves, which is why the world was a better place. im turned off. i dont wanna think about sex ever again. fucking gross. abnormal. "its normal" no its not. its not supposed to feel good. its how you make kids. fuck kinks. fuck sex. fuck sex. fuck sex. fuck sex. fuck sex. fuck sex. i dont wanna thinkj. why cant it all go away? life is unfair
i feel upset when you tell me youve found other girls attractive because i didnt know that. i thought i was the only girl. i thought i was the prettiest girl. remember when i stopped caring for my body because i thought you didnt like it? well, history repeats itself
date: sun 24 jul 22, 9:03pm
subject: things i wish
i wish i was it
i wish i was the only girl you found pretty
i wish i was the best at everything for you
i wish i wasnt stupid
i wish i wasnt sensitive
i wish instead of telling me to get used to it youd change
i hope you didnt lie
i hope you did lie
i wish i killed myself before i mattered
i wish i never heard of sexuality
i wish i never sent nudes
i wish i never did anything remotely sexual
i wish i liked my body
i wish you were more affectionate with me
i wish you told me you loved me more
i wish this site gets taken down
i wish i could overdose again
i wish i could cut myself without you caring
i wish i could cut myself and have you care
i wish i wasnt bothered
i wish i was a better girl
i wish i was a kid again
i wish we could agree on this
i wish i never asked you
i wish today never happened
i wish it wasnt sunday
i wish sundays werent cursed
i wish youd leave me so i could kill myself
i wish you lied to me the first time
i wish you ignored the question
i wish i had a gun
i wish i had a rope
i wish i had the guts to kill myself
i wish youd let me kill myself
i wish i could sleep
i wish i didnt care
i dont want to care
i dont want to know the truth
i want to know the truth
i wish youd please tell me the truth
i wish youd please confirm it was the truth
i wish youd reassure me more
i wish youd stop saying 'yeah' to everything i say
because you are missing all the signs
even this sign
please acknowledge that i need help
please acknowledge that i am hurt
please acknowledge that i want you to apologize
please apologize
you hurt me and this is how im telling you
i dont have the guts to tell you anything to your face
date: sun 24 jul 22, 11:08pm
subject: opinion
confessional poetry will be the fucking death of me. one day i will become as good a writer as those who came before me
date: tues 26 jul 22, 10:44am
subject: part I: deterioration
it is a parasite in my body that i cant seem to get rid of
a day cant pass without it taking over my mind for just a moment
a brief moment that spirals into seconds
a brief second that spirals into minutes
a brief minute that spirals into hours
it is a parasite that takes advantage of my weaknesses
itll lash and bite and scream inside of my lungs
as im kicking and punching and crying for air
i need air
i need a breath
but the parasite doesnt care
why cant i scream loud enough
why cant i cry hard enough
why cant i cut deep enough
date: tues 26 jul 22, 10:58am
subject: part II: recovery
go deeper
go faster
go harder
cold metal cuts into my flesh like a butcher
fuck my chest cavity with a pretty blade
the blade slices the nerves and bites away tissue until nothing but the parasite is left
take it away and clean me up
take off my skin and soak me in cold water
take out my eyes and polish them with wd40
one day the wounds will heal
date: tues 26 jul 22, 11:05am
subject: part III: relapse
topical solutions dont kill parasites
i feel it crawling through my veins and arteries and capillaries
i feel it worming around inside my lungs
please let go
please fucking leave
let go of my lungs
stop pulling at my nerves
my vision will fade into pretty colors of skies and galaxies as its fingers ever so tightly grip my throat
date: tues 26 jul 22, 12:19pm
subject: why does it hurt
ive already told you everything. i dont know why it hurts so bad. i want to tell you over and over again until your ears bleed so you have no choice but to comprehend and empathize with what im saying. listen to me. are you going to change or am i going to change? or are we going to stay the same? and will it be hell from here on out? please just listen to me. listen to what im saying. i feel like you dont get it. youll never get it. do you know what its like to put your trust and love into someone so much? feeling like all you have is that person? just to find out it wasnt just you all along? i understand what you are saying. you are right. im the one whos wrong. but i cant change. its not in me. i dont have the energy to tweak my mentality and personality again. ive done everything i can to be the best but i just fuck up over and over again. it drives me to the edge. i dont want to blame you. its not you whos making me suicidal, its all the pretty girls. this is unrecovery. im deep again. when i walk into a room i cant help but visualize all the endless ways i can harm myself. i am extremely unstable and i think it is dangerous to come near me if you arent already sick in the head. tell me im beautiful and i would only half believe it. tell me im beautiful and my chances are even less. why do i jump while knowing damn well you wont catch me at the fall? i am a lover and a dreamer and it will inevitably be the death of me.
date: mon 1 aug 22, 7:39pm
subject: every day is the same
every day is the same. i am unfullfilled. day after day is wasted as i rot in bed. all fucking day. i cant feel anymore. i dont bathe anymore. i dont change my clothes. i dont brush my hair. i dont do my makeup. i fucking rot. being alive is a waste of time. i am restless. im not moving but i want to move. theres nothing to do. no where to go. no money to spend. no music to listen to. no games to play. no one to speak to. nothing good to anticipate. nothing good planned. the only things im anticipating is my first day of hell. im fucking numb. i dont want to eat. theres nothing to eat. im gonna kill myself
date: wed 10 aug 22, 12:32pm
subject: thinking
sometimes i think to myself. the other day you said to me. "not that you deserve to be friends with men after what u did when i was friends with women". its been 6 days. im still thinking about when you said that. makes me wonder. if you are friends with any girls you probably wouldnt tell me. i dont know. if you get to be friends with girls in college then you wouldnt tell me. i dont blame you. if you told me it would kill me. but im not friends with any boys. i dont like boys. and it goes both ways. im uncomfortable with both left and right paths.
the only music that fits my thoughts nowadays is duster. its slow enough to the point where it matches my mood. and the lyrics dont overwhelm my thoughts. i can hear the lyrics and think at the same time. skulls is a good song. it makes me feel blurry and fuzzy. i need more music like duster. "i want your skulls". its good. music is good but these days i still feel unfulfilled. the past week has been a blur that i am unable to remember. every day is the same thing on repeat. i cant remember what happens when. maybe my brain is doing it on purpose. maybe i dont want to remember.
date: sat 13 aug 22, 10:57pm
subject: i have nothing and nobody
i have nothing. i dont have friends. i dont care anymore about anything. nothing matters. im lonely. i want friends but im not good with real life social environments. i have aila and kendyl and mar and blub and niki and aya and mimi and mush but i dont have them. they dont care. they dont want to speak to me. i dont want to be myself anymore. im so fucking lonely. i just waant to rot in a coffin 6 feet under. one day im gonna purchase a gun and shoot myself. several people will have shoutouts in my note.
date: mon 15 aug 22, 4:46pm
subject: lol okay
sure
blame it on the fucking weather
date: tues 16 aug 22, 12:15am
subject: hey
my head hurt so bad i want fucking donut. god damn it. i want water too. also i lost my lollipop i put it down in the rapper and cant find it. i wanna go home and see my dog i love ym dog. im tired. i need a fucking rope to hang mysel.f. im fucking tired bitch i have place to be tomorr w god pleas let me sleep
date: wed 17 aug 22, 5:44pm
subject: im so fucking bored
i don't want to go out
i've given up on being happy
i think that I'm sad
i'll bet heaven it's okay
i don't have a job
i don't have a house to call my own
i'm so fucking bored
i don't have a future anymore
teen suicide, im so fucking bored
date: thurs 25 aug 22, 11:11pm
subject: satan?
im at that age where murder is a tempting idea. but i dont want to be associated with a bunch of scumbags. satanists are scum. murderers and rapists are scum. satans a shithead, i can kick his ass. i can resist all his temptation. i dont hate him for my catholic or christian belief. i do because he is an idol losers, scum, dweebs and dirtbags worship. he doesnt care about anyone who "worships" him. because he is fucking satan. he is a liar, i hate liars. that kasso guy was a delusional crazy loser. he iced some kid who didnt do anything like a coward for taking shit from him. then he pussied out at the end by hanging himself in that cell. have fun in hell, i know you wont. kasso is lucky i wasnt around him. i would have bullied him, i would have layed into him every chance i got. dont try to impress satan because he does not give two fucks. if you worship satan you are a pathetic loser
date: thurs 25 aug 22, 11:17pm
subject: i found an entry from august 2021
every time i say your name it feels like my mouth is on fire. nothing will ever feel the same as then. now and before are not nearly as intimidating as next. i dont want to be conflicted anymore . you hurt me so deeply but still i yearn for you to give me the comfort and praise u normally do .i'm still not the person i've always wanted to be. what if what i want isn't what you want? what do i do then? i can feel you getting bored of me. im sorry im not new and exciting anymore. my scar tissue is much, much softer than yours. it's the same every time and i'm tired. im sorry. i love you. be well. i will do better next time around
date: fri 26 aug 22, 9:08pm
subject: too much, too little
today was the 26th. it is also my 26th entry . how ironic. today everything was off. my bed was too cold. i woke up. the sky was too gray. to air outside too humid, just to the point of near suffication. my hair was too greasy. my bedroom too messy. my skin too shiny. my clothing too itchy. my fingernails too bent. my makeup too cakey. my tea was too hot and my tea was too cold. water tasted more like dust. my food was too sour or too sweet. everyone was speaking too loud with too many gestures. even now the crickets outside my window are giving me a pounding headache. it should not have been like this. today wasnt sunday. this shit happens on sunday. sunday is a bad bad day. but its not sunday. its friday. so why? why must god do this to me? ive been good, i dont think i deserve this.
date: fri 26 aug 22, 9:18pm
subject: girlhood
i am a fourteen year old girl. i love being a girl. being a girl is all about wearing cute clothes and talking to boys and purchasing shiny crystal bottles of perfume. being a girl is, like, staring at yourself in the mirror every time you get the chance just in case you gained 30kg within the last hour. sometimes i pick at every blemish on my body in a desperate attempt to make imperfections go away. i wont eat for hours just so i can feel those glorious minutes of beauty when i look at myself and see a flat stomach. ill drink gallons of lemon water to flush out all the toxins from my body and soul. every day i cake my face with concealer and foundation and mascara and blush and powder and eyeshadow and eyeliner so i can be pretty. pretty for me. pretty for the people that want to look. ill drop 30kg for you baby. is that what you like? petite, natural girls? ill tone down my eyeshadow and cry when you dont want me. i like to put curlers in my hair and cry when i take them out because my hair isnt the way i want it. i scroll pinterest and cry because i dont look like the other girls. one day ill be a cute, petite dirty blonde girl with clear skin and a perfect button nose and cute pink lips. my collarbones will protrude like daggers. tonight i will do my daily routine of scrubbing the surface of my body to feel clean enough to be pretty. ill cover my knees, thighs, arms, neck, palms, calves, and torso with three different kinds of soap 10 times before ill feel clean enough. im gonna wash my face twice in a desperate attempt to have skin like glass. skin like a porcelain doll. ill dry myself in a soft white towel with flowers on it and douse myself in 3 different kinds of perfume. daisy by marc jacobs. violet blossom by zara. miss dior by christian dior. ill slather different products on my face to be beautiful. thats the end of my shower routine. after that, like i do every night, ill slip my cold, hairless body underneath my lightweight, floral bedsheets. its beautiful, right? being a girl isnt really about that. the most important part is sobbing for hours because you just arent pretty enough. masturbate to me crying and hitting myself with black streams of mascara tears flowing down my face. its just so hot when i say i want to kill myself, right? ill be sexy for you. ill keep probing and punching every part of my body that i hate in the mirror. its what keeps me going. every day, i will strive to become the most beautiful, ethereal version of myself to ever exist.
date: mon 29 aug 22, 12:11am
subject: unlike you, i dont have a chance
i want to be a normal teen girl
i want lots of friends
i want to go shopping at the mall
i want long pretty hair and long eyelashes
i want pink acylic nails a button nose
but i cant have that
because its not the life i am able to live
i shut myself in my room and talk to retards online
i dont do sports and i dont have friends and i dont have a life
i dont have a chance
its too late now
so if you have the ability to go out and do things
please do them for me because i cant
thank you
date: mon 29 aug 22, 12:27am
subject: movies n shows
my top movies and shows
- the virgin suicides
- i, tonya
- girl, interrupted
- heathers
- thirteen
- pulp fiction
- the breakfast club
- jennifer's body
- buffalo 66
- breaking bad
- the ring
- belladonna of sadness
- the florida project
- kill bill
- midsommar
- hereditary
- bird box
- relic
- mean girls
- lolita
date: fri 2 sep 22, 10:30pm
subject: fuck you, dad
my father is a retard. i hope he finds this one day so he will know how i truly feel about him.
three days ago, i was yelled at to let the dog out. okay, dad. i watched him drop that cigarette. i waited. 2 minutes later. suddenly, bea was smoking? outside? even though she didnt smell like smoke? yeah, lets blame bea for smoking. no phone or laptop for a month at least. okay, dad. i am currently writing this from a 2008 hp laptop i found in my brothers closet. why do i let him get away with everything? slapping me? hitting me with pans? ripping my piercings out of my fucking face? screaming at me? taking away my door, my right to privacy, all to boost his shitty ego? he is a narcissitic cunt and the biggest asshole ive ever met. but im still forced, several times a week, to see him. mom, why do you drag me to piscataway to do this do me? why wont you tell anyone? fuck you, dad. fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. i fucking hate you i hope you die. i hope you get lung cancer from the cigarettes you puff and vaping inside of our house. but i dont. ur rich. fucking loaded. fuck you. you kill me day after day and you manipulate me and make me feel like shit. and then u make me feel terrible. you fuckihhwfbhkhbebhfqigefyefyqevyfiyqevyuyuh i cant even type. manipulative cunt. you are a cunt. i hope you fucking rot. thanks for giving me years of trauma and issues. you disappeared when i was ypung just to come back and abuse me. why does the eldest daughter get hit the hardest? i wish you never came back so i never wouldve had to build a relationship with you. i truly truly wish you the worst.
date: fri 2 sep 22, 10:53pm
subject: i overfilled a glass
three days ago, i overfilled a glass. i grabbed the glass and put in a handful of ice. i then took the juice out of the refrigerator and started to pour it into the glass. but there was too much in the container. and too much in the glass. by time i shouldve stopped pouring, there wouldve been too much in the bottle to put back. but too much to throw away. but too much to sip out of my glass and repour. so instead i kept pouring. the glass overflowed. all over the counter and all over the drawers and all over the floor and all over my hands. it soaked up my sleeves leaving permnanent pink stains. i then threw away the bottle and got a towel to clean up the juice. there is something oddly therapeutic about being in control. i chose to keep pouring and i chose to clean it up. one day i will have full control.
date: sat 3 sep 22, 2:53pm
subject: ins and outs of fall 2022
in:
- floral print
- beatnik fashion
- fur coats
- tin ceiling tiles
- bronze fixtures
- colorful candles
- intricate mirror frames
- fifties saddle shoes
- turquoise eyeshadow
- red pen ink
- coca cola from the glass bottle
- black string bikinis
- military equipment
- heart shaped things
- disposable cameras
out:
- shein and romwe
- overpriced thrift stores
- the new chunky converse
- vinyls on walls
- y2k
- coquette girlies
- hailey bieber nails
- fast fashion
- minimalism
- beige and white color combo
- platform mary janes
- leg warmers
- black eyeliner
date: thurs 8 sep 22, 6:40pm
subject: school brings me an incredible amount of jealousy
with the start of school comes the end of my peaceful state of mind.
i am no longer satisfied with myself. i will stare at all of the pretty girls. i can see her and the way her long hair flows down her back.
mackenzies nose. marias personality. kaitlyns eyes. elsas body.
striving to be as perfect as the girls around me is what keeps me going.
date: thurs 8 sep 22, 11:36pm
subject: shut up
shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up
date: sat 10 sep 22, 11:16pm
subject: the stars on the ceiling
i cant figure out how to word this yet